Posted by Bill (other posts) on March 02, 2014 at 09:09:02 Previous Next
In Reply to: Financial independence VS dependency is key.... posted by Ken in SF on February 19, 2014 at 08:00:32:
Very well put, Ken. I suffered a similar path with lots of abuse, and the abuse over my hair was the worst because it was a scar that everyone could see. I made the opposite decision to the one you made; I kowtowed and let my folks pay for my education. When I was older, this gave me the income that led to more freedom and eventually let me have my hair in peace.
Would I have done it that way again, knowing what I know now? Yeah, probably. The worst harm from the abuse came from its effect when I was under age 16. By then, the harm had been done. The harm was severe and messed me up psychologically for years, but it had already been done, and looking back, I realize in my late teens and early twenties, I needed the additional power that having a good education would bring. That power later enabled me to go back when I was even older and succeed in overcoming the effects of the earlier abuse.
Indeed, we don't all get ideal parents. We don't ask for what we get, so we must not blame ourselves. When we are dealt a mixed bag of cards, we must look for the few good cards we got and play those. When it comes to parents, redeals are tough to get, and they usually don't turn out that well. Foster homes or group homes don't turn out better for kids unless their parents were really awful.
It's tempting to look back at one's life and say, "Well, if I had taken that road, my life would have been better." The problem is that "that road" was never a choice. There was no box to check to get it, on the ballot we were handed.
Bill
: Hi ahseng,
: Young guys who have parents that either don't approve and/or don't like long hair on their sons always find it a difficult predicament to be in. I know exactly what you're talking about, because even though I'm a totally independent old geezer now, I was raised by a father who wouldn't even allow my hair or any of my brother's' hair to even touch the tops of our ears or fall over our eyes!
: In my case, after a family divorce and my one and only year away at college, I made the difficult choice of leaving my dad's house forever (but also paying the consequence of not being able to finish my college education, since he was the person paying the tuition fees).
: Just to make it clear: I do NOT want to give out any personal advise re. what I think you "should" do in your own situation -- only you and you alone can make these kind of difficult decisions! But, just realize that there's an all-important truth here, regardless of whatever you decide: to whatever degree you are still financially dependent upon your father (including whatever amount of college education you are still hoping to receive, and to be paid for by him)....
: It might seem very cruel and unfair (and I speak from experience on this topic, as well as I feel that IT IS a very cruel and unfair choice to have to make); but unfortunately, life isn't always all that fair or kind.
: But still, you DO have a choice -- just not a very pleasant one, regardless of whatever decisions you end up making for yourself.
: Good luck! My best to you!!
: - Ken in San Francisco